Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Randomize
