i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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