i wish starbucks made bloody marys
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
