She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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