I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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