dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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