Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize