Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
