i already hear my dad disowning me
that's an acceptable place to lick
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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