then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
