at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
