I think I won the penis lottery.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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