textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
