my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
