You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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