we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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