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I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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