I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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