so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I wear drunk well.
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