I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
