He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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