i love accidental penises.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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