I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
