What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
