Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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