either way he was missing a nipple.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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