Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I wish you could order shots online.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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