4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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