just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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