smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
