well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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