Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
