I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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