I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
