How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
