woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
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