i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Randomize
