So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
