if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm going to jail i love you
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize