We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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