never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
