A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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