believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize