i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
