i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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