So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
