It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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