I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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