This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
