He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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