I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
