dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
