Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Text me some of your sweat
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