you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
