i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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