sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
