who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Randomize
