you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
