I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
